Mad About the Boy

I think we all know where all the Post-Its have gone: the Internet! Yes, I have locked them in my desk but my friend has persisted, just as I knew he would.  It's like he's the Marquis de Sade at the end of "Quills", determined to write, despite his lack of parchment and quill, on the wall in his own feces (without all the savagery, of course). Or it's like I'm being pestered by a Mad Magazine writer with a moderately entertaining fold-in.

It's something I find quite admirable about him and he's definitely grown as an artist. Just look at the perspective work on the lower doodle. I might frame it. Or use it as toilet paper, because we've also run out of that.

Who Shot HR?

(to read the full letter, right-click and open in a new window or tab to zoom in)

Human Resources speaks!  I have never gotten a response from them so quickly before. I once contacted them about a suspicious smell coming through the vents last year and they only just sent someone to inspect the first floor offices last Thursday.  I was convinced it was Legionnaire's and this was Management's not-so-subtle way of getting rid of some of the higher paid staff, but the workmen insisted it was just a rotting, half-eaten burrito the janitors missed (or more likely left behind).

I don't know what I was expecting. And the letter's not even spell-checked!  Statuettes instead of statutes? Must-fire instead of must-hire?  I'm not even sure "untowardity" is an actual word.  And leave it to them to put the blame of all of this on me! I'm not the one wasting company stationery to antagonize.  What did I do to deserve any of this unwarranted attention from a co-worker? I mean, I get it: I am--let's face it--amazing at my job. So what if it looks like I spend my day lounging around and chatting with my fellow man? Should I be penalized for a devil-may-care attitude, winning smile, and need for a generous inseam?  That just means my work is done and with style. If I'm running around screaming unnecessarily like the other morons around here, that's the real time to panic.

As for the pittance I can roll-over into my even smaller 401K, I'm going to use that to buy a churro with which I can bribe the security guard to let me into HR and leave a few choice Post-Its of my own.

Summer Vacation

If only I could take a vacation.  It's obviously not one of my bosses with the Post-Its because they don't like it when I so much as get up to go to the bathroom, let alone have one measly day off.  I suspect one morning I will come in to work and find shackles and chains in my cubicle.

I am most certainly owed the money from my unclaimed vacation days and I will promptly issue a memo to HR demanding both my hard-earned cash and some kind of action taken against the Phantom Noter, though if they gave me a raise or an office with walls, I would gladly shut my mouth.

Concentration

No flowery language like last time, just an incredibly simple pictographic message. Of course this person couldn't even make an easy statement like "I hate your guts" without messing it up. In a classic rebus one wouldn't use an Uncle Sam-style finger point to represent "your"; I would have used a Euro sign followed by a minus "O". Clearly this person has never watched a game show before.  And I am losing weight, still.  Why do people have to be so jealous?

Out on a Limerick

You know what? At least he knows how to properly pronounce Bangor. And rhyming "his desk" with "grotesque" is actually quite impressive.  And there's my adorable cat again.  Could this be Stockholm Syndrome?  Am I falling in love with my tormentor?  No, the rhythm and structure of his limerick is complete shit.  Also, he's making fun of Dark Shadows.  It would never work between us. I have standards.

Pig Latin

Okay, I admit, I had to look this one up on the Internet.  But my education was not about studying dead languages nor was it anything I'd call "fancy pants".  In fact, there was decidedly a lack of pants while I was in school.  Hey-ho! It seems to me this fool is just jealous that I can conjugate better than anyone.  So I'm narrowing my search parameters to someone around here with far too much time on their hands and a decent Internet connection.

Here's what I say to you, Phantom Noter: Podex perfectus es! 

Spoil Sport

No, I have not seen the latest and ridiculously long cinematic entry in the Batman franchise, but yes, I did go around the office telling everyone that Bane was Bruce Wayne's father and Catwoman runs off with Alfred.  The real spoiler is that they're all assholes who can't take a joke.  It's not like I shot someone!